ГОРМОСТ

That is, "GorMost". "Gor" for gorodskoj, adjectival form of gorod, meaning city, and "Most" for, well, most, meaning bridge. GorMost = City Bridge Service. John and I had risked leaving our heavy winter greys in Tallinn, but were surprised to be the only ones wearing bright, colourful -- and, purely by accident, both orange -- coats in Russia. That is, with the exception of the city maintenance crews. Each in turn, my Russian pals cheekily pointed out the amusing resemblance, likening the pair of us to the road repair service, the GorMost bridge crews and the mostly wizened, yet day-glo security-vested, street sweepers. Here I am posing with my workaday brethren on the bridge linking Vasilevsky and Petrogradsky Islands. (The pilons coordinate perfectly to boot!).

I'd forgotten how dirty things like bright orange coats can get, especially in gritty-grimy St. Petersburg. Every metropolitan foray adds to your wardrobe, whether soot, car exhaust (belched by any or all of the older makes of Moskvich, Lada, Kamaz, Zhiguli, Volga, etc.), cigarette scum, sticky public transport residue or an allover spritz of eau de fried meat. My city slicker was slick with city in no time, though there was no time to leech out the filth due to no substitute outerwear for the interim. And Russia was lousy with washing machines this time around.

Suffering From Periodical Cosmopolitanism

In April-May, Russia's newspaper and print kiosks started selling the 13th anniversary issue of Russian Cosmo. The Cyrillic in the red balloon on the cover crows "Cosmo is 13 Years Old"! Apparently, covermodel "Tori Praver" is but 21 -- a year younger than I was when I purchased the inaugural issue of the mag's Russian incarnation in May 1994 -- thirteen, count 'em, thirteen years ago! I still have my 13-year-old copy (front cover: Cindy Crawford). Gasp. Thirteen years since I'd first stepped foot on the then-browbeaten soil of Ma Rus'. When I was a student at the Centre for Russian Language and Culture of St. Petersburg State University (at the Smol'nyj Institute), mes dormmates canadiennes and I were tickled to have witnessed that instance of print culture globalization, more specifically, the girly-magazination of the former Soviet U.

Some aspects have changed -- the 2007 cover speaks to realities facing "new" (think "monied", not necessarily "contemporary") Russian women. There's a section devoted to cars (women drivers, let alone car-owners, were pretty much unheard of in 1994), as well as a "Cosmo-Eksperiment" that dares readers to try and survive a spell without one's mobile, TV or Internet. Several sample squirts of free products are stashed between the pages, creams from Lancome, Garnier and Nivea ("Good-Bye, Cellulite," transliterated directly from English into Russian [Gud-Baj, Tsellulit]). The biggest change is in form, not format; page dimensions have shrunk to approximately 7" x 8", meaning the glossy's grown widthwise, stacking up nearly a full inch of Cosmopolitan (and local) content and requisite ads. In fact, the majority of the magazines marketed to women, home hobbyists, cooks and teens are now such physically-reduced specimens, mini-mags, both in Russia and across the Baltic countries. The new proportions make even Cosmo seem more "literary," sizing up more like an academic journal, despite the too-puckered lips, the touched-up pics and the tired sex tips. Easier to fit in one's glove-box or slide/hide under one's keyboard, in any case. Suggested retail price: 65 roubles.

Cover Features from 1994:
Sex or Chocolate: There's a time for everything!
Don't Let Jealousy Dominate Your Life
TEST: How well do you know each other?
They're 30 years old, independent and self-confident... Do they really need husbands?
Cosmopolitan in Russia! An internationally-renowned magazine - published in Russia for the first time!

Cover Features from 2007:
Sex-games for the bold and not-so bold
Cosmo-Experiment: One week sans Mobile Phone, TV and Internet
Free Spaces: Where to Go, Besides the Garage, to Meet a Real Man
A Woman's Education: Real Stories of Lesbian Love
Counting Costs: The Price of Your Job
New! "Gas Pump" Car Column, page 128

Shawn

I made another montage, entitled "Shawn" and featuring same.
Electroacoustic composer-musician Shawn also hails from Canada (Edmonton), and has been living in Tallinn on and off for several years. He's been teaching sound at the Arts Academy and also at the Baltic Film & Media School -- it was he who tipped off John about the teaching position there.
So many thanks to Shawn for that tip, which led to this trip!

Head aega, Eestimaa

We saved another trip to Kalma sauna for our last day in Tallinn. We opted for 90 minutes instead of our usual 60 -- we didn't want to rush, nor did we want to anxiously keep our eyes on the clock for the duration our final, celebratory skin-sloughage and salt-flushery (the one snarky reprimand we'd received for steaming 3 minutes overtime a couple of months earlier was fontrum enough). Back home, we tidied up and did the bulk of our packing. There wasn't much new stuff to bring home (not surprising, for such reluctant shoppers as we), though the oddball, oddshaped souvenirs (lamp, telephone, clocks, tin box, tin purse,) required some careful placement, as did the 4.7 (cumulative) litres of various boozes we'd selected to export from the Baltics.

Then it was off to Cafe Pushkin for a plate of their delicious salmon pel'meni and a final mayo-laden, boiled egg, prune, walnut and smoked chicken-filled "salad". We crossed over to Texas Honky-Tonk, an unfortunately-themed resto-bar (lexical proof I'm back in Quebec) in the Old Town, where we raised several pints and shared stories and many laughs with some students and staff from the Baltic Film & Media School. We took our leave at closing time, which the Honky Tonk invariably announces by playing the American national anthem. John, Shawn and I continued our last night's nostalgia tour by descending into Levist Valjas, a notoriously divey open-til-morning joint around the corner -- truly a dank, dripping dungeon of a bar. I botched my last attempt at ordering a "Tõmmu Hiid" in passable Estonian, John deviously nabbed a few more snaps of passed-out, head-on-table patrons, then we piled out into the late-night dusk just as the place was becoming completely overrun by revelers from bars that stay open later than they seem to do in Texas.

White nights season had definitely started to creep in -- though we were tired, we thought it appropriate to say "head aega" (good-bye) to the almost-bright night and to Estonia from the Stroomi Rand -- the stretch of beach not far from our digs on Ristiku street in Pelguranna. We headed back to the neighbourhood, cleared our fridge of whatever remained of beach-worthy reinforcements (beer and... cheese), and started off beachbound at about 3:30 -- the photos above are from about an hour later. Back home by 5-5:30, we caught a few mid-morning Zzzs, just enough to recharge for final prep and exit. Bags were packed, borscht slurped, cupboards emptied, garbage thrown, floors swept, fridge unplugged. Urmas, our friendly landlord, came by to collect the final communal payment, and we were off in a taxi towards the harbor, soon to board Viking Line's "Rosella" afternoon ferry to Helsinki.

This Little Piggie Went to Market

It's been tough-going finding good throwaways and second-hand curiosities at the markets in Tallinn. Mind you, since the weather's shaped up, more stuff has appeared at the train station market. Fewer kiosks are locked, boarded up or unmanned. More of the sellers are skulking around, socializing (and sometimes boozing) in the environs of their collections, making it much easier to find out whether something's for sale, and how much things cost.

We dropped by this past weekend to pick up the most recent in John's line of broken watches. We'd returned it to the kiosk he'd bought it from since the hands weren't firmly threaded on the central pin. Any handshaking or wringing of same would force the hands to jump intervals of fives, tens or twenties of minutes at a time, whether future-bound or past, every fingerwag also a wager in time lost or time gained. The watch had been sold with a year's guarantee, this in the form of a tiny piece of paper with incomprehensible handwritten details. The guarantee was honoured, though our money was reimbursed for the meanwhile. The watch was to be sent to "the master" and we could pick it up after 2 Sundays had passed.

Alas, the watch was on the premises, but still broken. It hadn't been sent anywhere. "The master's sick," I was told. "For the past three weeks?" I asked, and filled John in on the goings-on. The seller overheard us and called out in English from the depths of his booth, "He is very old -- 80 years!" No other repair options were suggested. A single week remained until our departure from Tallinn -- unlikely that even the speediest of recoveries would allow enough time for master-ful repair and Sunday pick-up. The seller removed the watch-strap (which belonged to John... this had been bought at yet another wacky watch repair and clock kiosk, located in the steamy, mildew-stained lobby of Raua sauna, in downtown Tallinn) and kept the broken timepiece. John's given up on finding a new old watch in Estonia.

But all was not lost on this trip to the market. A longer than usual look into a toy'n'games kiosk yielded this most awesome name-brand rip-off compact, a must-have accessory from Christian Dior's lesser known and spelling-challenged haute couture of a cousin, "Charsten Deor". I googled the spoofed-up name on a whim and turned up a handful of Russian articles (Itar-Tass Ural, Federal Customs Service, Security Service) on a court case dealing with the seizure of counterfeited Christian Dior goods. Apparently, the Arbitration Court of Sverdlovsk Region ruled in favour of Ekaterinburg Customs on charges of illegal use of the Christian Dior trademark. The guilty party was fined in the amount of 30,000 roubles, and the counterfeit items -- mirrors in plastic frames, 7200 units -- were confiscated. I'm glad this one made it all the way here from Ekaterinburg. It's the first item I own that I know was supposed to have been officially confiscated -- a bargain at 19 EEK.

Meanwhile, over at Keskturg, Tallinn's Central Market, the outdoor stall section has been largely taken over by sellers of bedding plants and starter tomatoes, making for slim pickin's. In the midst of all the spring seedlings, one woman trading in household detritus did have something of note. Here's an artistic interpretation that features the fantastic find:

Stockholm Syndrome

CRUISE PROVES CAPTIVATING
TALLINN, ESTONIA, April 16-18 /Baltic Cruise News/
Tallinn travellers finally on board with Tallink prescription, take two-day dose of ferry-cruising to Stockholm. (Full story, A12.)
Exclusive film footage available only on ChristleZine!

Stockholm Syndrome: Case History

As I explained in a previous post, although there are daily departures and several ferry lines running routes from Tallinn to Helsinki and Stockholm and between the latter two, passage on these routes shall primarily be sold (and bloody-well enjoyed, dammit) in the form of a 2-day cruise. The passenger shall be financially punished should s/he endeavour to book one-way fares or attempt to build a triangular journey linking the 3 cities. Despite the price differential -- baffling, since we would potentially be travelling on the same ship with the same folks, just not calling it "cruising" (we'd've donned the cruisewear, if that would've helped) -- we decided to get one-way tickets on non-adjacent dates and spend the intervening days in Sweden's capital.

Thankfully, we'd noticed another Tallink ticket branch inside Stockmann's department store. We couldn't bear visiting the main Tallink branch in the Hotel Tallink for a third time. We'd already had 2 horrific episodes with the Silja cruise specialist there, and were certain we'd either be thrown in the galley or ordered to swab the decks all the way to Stockholm if we'd asked this salty sea-hag of a ticket scalper once more to price out the one-way fares for us.



Unfortunately, we didn't realize Stockmann's was in the midst of its price-chopping, bargain-shopping, "Crazy Days", so the place was a mad-house, jammed with giddy Estonian consumers (many of whom, like us, can't afford a damn thing at Stockmann's), pawing through bins of designer cosmetics and haute couture men's T's for the crazy, as advertised, deals. (Dollar-forty-nine day, Tuesday, this most definitely ain't.) We did our best to shuffle clear of the bright yellow fun-fur-fuzzied Casper-the-Grotesque mascot (our prices are so insane that I'm yellow, formless, and have neither pupils nor mouth, see above) and headed into Tallink with our chosen travel dates and our respective speech apparati puckered and ready to firmly enunce: no cruise, aitäh [thanks]. We got the tickets. (Asked just the once about the cruise option.)

Next task was to find accommodation in Stockholm. Affordable mid-April, mid-week and two-person rooms in Stockholm... very difficult to find, indeed. Impossible, in fact. A couple of days of vigorous e-mailing produced the following notices of rejection.

Hello Christine,
What it looks like now we are unfortunatelly fully booked on the 19 th and I can therefor not help you out with a room this date.
Have a contines good day!
Christine Front Desk
Vanadis Hotell & Bad

Hello!
Thank you for your e-mail. So sorry but we are fullybooked.
Kind Regards Christian
Hotel Tre små rum

Hello Chrstine!!
Our hostel open the 16 of june - 13 of august. You are welcome to visite our site www.ostrareal.com
Med vänliga hälsningar/ Best Regards
Östra Reals Vandrarhem

Sorry but we are fully booked that weekend
Best of regards/Med vänliga hälsningar
Achipelago Hostel

Dear Christine,
Thank you for your kind request! Unfortunately we are fully booked for the dates requested. Any other dates we are glad to help you!
Best regards Erika
RYGERFJORD HOTEL & HOSTEL

Hi,
We only have one freee bed in dormitory these dates.
With best regards,
Reception / 2kronor Hostel & Budget Hotel - Old Town|Stockholm

Hello, Thank you for your request! I’m sorry that I can’t reserve anything for you because we are fully booked.
Best regards,
Lotta Casranea Old Town Hostel

Sorry, no.
Kindest Regards,
Colonial Hotel

Hi John,
We only have beds on the 21st and 22nd in an eight bed dorm. To make a
booking please respond with your credit card number and expiry date.
Kindly, Matt

Dear Christine,
Thanks for your mail. We are unfortunately fully booked this period. Please feel free to getback to us should you need accommodation another time in Stockholm.
Best regards
Mats Sahlin
Checkin Apartments Stockholm

Dear Christine,
Thank you for your request. We can offer you accommodation between May 21 and June 9 and pretty much all dates after June 16.
Please log on to our website www.stockholmliving.com to get more information.
Sincerely Adrian La Torre

Time to anchors aweigh was a-dwindling. I hadn't had this much trouble finding a hotel room since Minsk, in 1994 (Svensk... Minsk... just a coinskidensk?) We looked over wistfuly at our hard-procured itinerary and boarding documents, then snatched 'em and flipped 'em to read the fine print on the return policy. Seemed simple enough. Since we'd purchased regular tickets at enormous, non-cruise fares, the tickets were 100% refundable up to 24 hours prior to boarding. Finally, they had us. We'd turn these in and treat ourselves to a m%tha-#$*'in cruise with the proceeds. We'd pay Tallink a fourth visit come sun-up.

Sun-up. We headed into the Tallink office, prepared for an easy exchange with the reasonable staff. Bushwhacked! The first words out of their mouths wipe the smiles from our faces, "We're sorry, but these tickets are non-refundable." We bark back, "Oh, we're sorry, but they are, please read where it says so, right here." Their second line infuritates us all the more. "We reserve the right to make changes to the pricing policy, and regardless of what it says on the tickets, because we do reserve this right, now these tickets are non-refundable." Fuming. And we reserve the right to get angry, and will do so, right now, as we demand to speak to a manager, and not leave the premises until we do so.

There were flustered page-flippings, pink cheek flushings (on all parties' parts) and calls were eventually put through. At one point, the C-word was mentioned, along the lines of "Cruises aren't refundable"... immediately drowned out by "But this wasn't a cruise!" If we'd learned anything in our 2-month battle to get these one-way tickets, it was the difference between a cruise and what we'd bought. Attempts were made to do a one-to-one exchange -- our one-way fares for a cruise. Not acceptable. After all, the one-ways are worth 3 times the cruise amount, are they not? The Tallinkers had to agree. Their cruise prices were unbeatable!

Many more Estonian words exchanged softly over the phone, and soon it was apologies all around. A refund to my credit card would be "impossible" and would "take many days". Instead, we were issued a two-day cruise Tallinn-to-Stockholm for two passengers in an inside cabin on an above-water deck and two complimentary drink coupons, and were then paid out exactly two times the cruise price in Estonian cash, enough to make up the difference we'd paid on the one-ways. We left the office red-cheeked, embarrassed to have had to play the role of the sputtering and awful N. Americans (who really must speak to your supervisor) and relieved the whole thing was over. Now we just had to shift into cruise-mode along with the rest of the proud Tallink Club Card holders, and get ready to see Stockholm in FastForward.