Saaremaa: The Making-Of

Chapter 1: The Even Lonelier Planet

Apparently, no one tours the Island of Saaremaa in early spring. Well, more precisely, and judging by the passengers on the Thursday afternoon express bus from Tallinn to Kuressaare, the region's capital city, no one tours Saaremaa in early spring except for the likes of us, plus a small group of Germans (birdwatchers, perhaps?). Kuressaare was indeed a small town, despite capital status -- we repeatedly ran into our Germans at the grocery store and at other town hotspots (i.e. walking across main street, outside tourist info, etc.). I'm guessing most Aprils are not so warm, so blue and so beautiful. From Virtsu, on the western coast of mainland Estonia, we boarded a ferry over to the small island of Muhu, drove through Muhu, then across a narrow dam over another body of water, the strait of Väike Väin. Once on Saaremaa, it's an hour or so drive to Kuressaare. We were the only guests at Hotell Repo (which I opted for partly because of the oddball name; not sure where the Germans were staying).

Even the great outdoors was ours exclusively. Transportationally abandoned to trudging the outskirts of Kuressaare on foot, we ran into a lone cyclist as we wandered along an oak trail at the edge of Kuressaare, barged in on a single spider on the bird observation tower, and just barely missed stepping on a snake on the straw bog meadow near the sea (Saaremaa, we later learned , is home to vipers). Two deer paused to check us out from behind a stand of leafless birches. Each historical division of the Saaremaa museum in the Kuressaare castle was locked by its grandmotherly guard immediately after we'd passed through (being rarities of the spring visitor variety, we must have unintentionally ruined the staff's routine of cutting out of work early). Even the castle drawbridge was locked by the time we reached it. The night guard kindly let us out (instead of throwing us to the famed castle lion's pit).


Chapter 2: The Peel 'n' Wheel

As we'd learned in Lahemaa a few weekends before, objects are much closer to one another on maps than they are in reality. To see more of the island, we'd definitely need some wheels, and something more than pedal-powered. Despite no tourists, Tourist Info was open. We were furnished with a flyer and steered over to "A-Rent" Auto. A-right next door to Repo, and A-lot more than a car rental service. The sign for A-Rent hung on one side of what looked like a residential house, while the sign for "Aspasia" 24 hour stripclub, boasting "piljard, sauna and privatshow", was on the other. We poked around in the backyard-carlot, but found no entry on the A-Rent side, so entered the stripclub. The bartendress got the owner, and his brother, and after some haggling, we reserved one of their crappiest available cars for the next day.

Aspasia was already (or still?) happening at 9:00 a.m. the next day, when we dropped by for auto-pickup. It was a small place; tiny, red-velveted stage with peeler-pole to the immediate right of the entrance, small bar-counter with space for 6 or so elbows, small backroom with orange-and-beige vinyl booth chairs. The morning show hadn't begun, though the revelry had: full beers, accompanying shots and a handful of wasted, but mellow, Estonian men, lined the bar. The bartender nodded knowingly when we approached her in connection with our vehicular arrangement. Soon after, Aspasia's proprietor emerged from the basement, looking like he'd just woken up. He was followed by a cozy couple just out of the sauna to join the party upstairs (unclear whether the toweled woman was patron or personnel).

John was invited out the side-door for a rundown of the 1991 Volkswagon Jetta's kinks and idiosyncracies (stalls during take-off, deceleration, reverse maneuvers and while turning unless the manual choke is out), while I went to the billiard room/erotic photo gallery with the head barmaid to read over the contract. Everything appeared to be in order, a pretty standard rental contract all around, despite a few translation goofs; we'd do our best to return the car in a timely manner, thus avoiding the "retardation" fee. Documents signed and rental fee paid in full, we stood around outside, waiting for the owner's brother to show up ("He has to walk one kilometer") with the car's insurance and registration. Meanwhile, the owner pointed out Saaremaa's main highlights on the map. He assured us there were 3: The Kuressaare Castle, the Kaali Meteor Crater (photo), and Aspasia!